Break the Mold

born original

You stare at a vast array of images before you, squinting to discern the detail. All appears hazy. A million people, all lined up perfectly in a row…but why? Who taught them to fall in place? Who gave the order for the replica script?

As you tread carefully closer, it becomes obvious. These people are not people at all. They are merely shadows, echoes, outlines. You vow to never fade; you will not become a mere replica.

The thundering fear pounds in your chest, and yet you are still.

The aching pain of risk drenches you with sweat, but you do not falter.

Being yourself is all you know.

Being true is all that’s left.

YOU BREAK THE MOLD.

What’s that? You say you’re a black sheep? I am too. Embrace your uniqueness. Love the color of your wool. Don’t wax remiss because you don’t fit into a box. blck sheep

Personally, the difference between then and now for me is acceptance. I accept that I am different, that I may need to stir the pot a bit, that people’s reaction to me can be full of love or full of hate but it might never be neutral. Knowing that my source orchestrates every scene of my life gives me the courage to accept the path lit by the divine. And while my own path driven by ego might need to have uniformity, perfection and everyone patting me on the back, usually the path of the divine is much more visceral and raw. The path of the divine cuts me open and in the process those around me. Being cut open is not easy. It’s RAW.

But you know what? Raw is real. And I don’t know how to be fake anymore. ONE SOURCE in my life has all the power, and that source isn’t me. That source leads me beside still waters and makes my life bountiful when I just choose to bask in the divine light that connects us all. And since I am following this ONE SOURCE, being filled with love and connection and truth and beauty minute by minute, I needn’t worry about BEING DIFFERENT.

If I am BREAKING THE MOLD, then that is exactly who and what I was created to be.

As I get quiet and go deep inside, I am reassured. I know in the clarity of stillness where my inspiration, passion and vocation lie. I know in the stillness who I am called to be. Although it’s usually terrifying to follow these callings, I know from experience that denying them creates for me a fate worse than death.

So, fear be damned! Let’s press on in spite of our seeming limitations. Let’s follow the lit path even if it’s raw and uncomfortable. With much risk comes much reward. Join me. BREAK THE MOLD.

Holding Out for a Hero

Holding Out for a Hero…

S_A-hero-is-someone-who-has-given-his-or-her-life-to-something-bigger-than-oneself.For the first time in almost 20 years, I am single, and although I’d ideally love to be in a committed romantic relationship someday, I am truly grateful. You know why? It’s a new paradigm. I have learned, through harrowing experiences the last few very intense years of my life to be grateful for EVERYTHING. Cancer diagnosis, surgery and treatment? Grateful. Flat broke? Grateful. Recovery? Grateful. Divorce? Grateful. Homeless? Grateful. Am I a crazy woman? No. I am a woman with a lot of faith, and finally and for the first time in my life, my faith comes from personal experience, not from a mentor, teacher, preacher, pastor, bible, book or billboard. It comes from getting down on my knees in inexorable pain and surrendering to a power greater than myself, the daily practice of step by step healing that has carried me through the most difficult period of my life, and from an amazing support group of people who love me for exactly who I am in this moment, not for anyone they want me to be or change into.

How can I be grateful for something seemingly bad, like having no money? Or getting cancer? The simple fact is this. These situations are opportunities to rely on the power of infinite love in the universe. Some people choose to call it God, the divine, Source, the Infinite…but no matter what we call it, we can all agree it is a pure energy of light and love that surrounds us when we can’t stand and lifts us up. It is this divine presence we must call upon in our worst moments and darkest hours. And then, somehow, if we are able to ask for help, and let go of our expectations of how things should and shouldn’t be, let go of how things are “supposed” to be, this amazing power comes in and heals us, changes us and transforms us. That is my experience, and I am not alone. Any person who truly wants this life of happiness, joy and freedom can have it if they are willing to surrender.

As a result of this recovery, healing and gratitude, a shift has begun, deep down in my bones. My self-deprecating sense of unworthiness has fallen away, shard by painful shard, and the scales over my eyes which previously blinded me from my own lovability have fallen away. For the first time in my life, I can honestly look in the mirror and say that I love myself. It isn’t a bullshit affirmation. I am not faking it until I make it. It’s raw and vulnerable and real and almost feels as if I am outside myself looking in. It comes on the heels of over 2 solid years of the most intense spiritual and personal work I have ever done. It comes as I finish 19 months of a battle with breast cancer. It comes as I have said finally without reservation, “to thine own self be true,” and refused to stand one second longer in inauthenticity. The road to my change is littered with the bodies of those who could not choose to follow me, but here I stand, naked in my truth, gulping the fresh air, knowing I am loved beyond measure by the spirit of the universe and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I am connected to you, though love, through pain, though humanness and through our journey together on this beautiful planet.

same essenceHaving said all of this, and knowing in the depth of my heart it is the truth, I also know today that I can hold out for a hero to share this all with. I’m not searching to fill a void in my soul that no human can fill. I am not looking for a soulmate, or the perfect match on my vision board to complete me Renee Zellweger and Tom Cruise style. You don’t have to either. Let’s join, and hold out for a hero together.

We don’t need a disney hero, or a knight in shining armor to rescue us or to save us. We crave a true hero. A hero dedicated to something bigger than just themselves. Someone who is real and raw and vulnerable and allows their partner inside and underneath all the beautiful to the ravaged and damaged. This person isn’t afraid to be real because they don’t base their self worth on any approval or disapproval. They don’t need romantic connection or human love to be whole. They know who they are and where they are going, and they know it in the darkest depths of their imperfect human soul. When they struggle they ask for help and search deep inside for the answer, without blaming their environment, their loved ones or their circumstances. When things become disjunct, this hero can look you directly in the eye and has the courage to tell you exactly what you need to hear for growth and change, then quietly listens as your voice speaks in turn. The two of you link arms, lock down and hold on to this roller coaster called life not because you don’t want to die alone, but because it’s much more exciting to share life’s ups and downs together.

You-are-beautifulFor the first time in your life, choose to know that you are worth all that. Knowing this places you in a state of grace and acceptance. There is no loud click of the biological clock, no white picket fence you need to install and no Caribbean cruise awaiting your decision. It’s the peace and comfort of infinite love and the space to be authentic which we revel in. And whether or not some beautiful person shows up to join with us on this path today, tomorrow or never, we are joyously content holding out for a hero. The paradox is this: You needn’t even hold out; the the true hero is YOU.